How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?

Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.

A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

I took my friend’s board game without him noticing.
He doesn’t have a Clue.

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

(Unknown)

I've done it -- I've done mown the lawn,
But my muscles are aching and torn.
I could swear there are some,
In my legs and my bum,
I've not used since the year I was born.

It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!

Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!

It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!

Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!

"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.

(Kim Merryman)

What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.

Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.

There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.

What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.

"Diaper Alert"

My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.

Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!

No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.

A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.

What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!

– Running Wolves

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.

It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.

What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.

What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.

Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.

I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.

Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"

I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."

Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.

What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.

"Don’t Be Silly"

Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.

– Dave Moran

"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"

There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.

– Michael Wise

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.

He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!

- Denise Rodgers

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.

I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.

There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.

Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.

Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.

It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.

There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.