Mom, I know you do the dishes
And I know you cook the food
I know you scrub down all the floors
Even when you're in a bad mood.
And every night you walk the dog
While I'm watching all my shows
On Thursdays, you take out the trash
And every spring you wash the windows.
Mom, I know you're sad I'll go someday
And leave you all alone
But right now I'm only 35
So what other place could I call home?
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me… they were cramming for their finals.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Why did the monster truck drive on the sidewalk?
Because he didn’t want to run over the chicken!
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
There once was a man from York,
who picked his nose with a fork.
He went for a pluck,
when it got stuck,
and walked around looking like a dork.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
So my girlfriend left a note on the fridge saying "Sorry, this isn't working."
Then I opened the fridge and it was still working. Phew, I thought something bad is going to happen today.
What type of magazines do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.
All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!
Go to BabaMail
