Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'

Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!

That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?

Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

"My Doggy Ate My Essay"

My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.

He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.

I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.

He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.

I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”

– Darren Sardelli

A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!

There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.

How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.

There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.

According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.

It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

My mum bought me a really cheap dictionary for my birthday.
I couldn't find the words to thank her.

There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”

"Don’t Be Silly"

Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.

– Dave Moran

I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.

What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

Why did we get sunglasses for you?
Well, we know what is true.
When the candles on your cake are lit
It will be bright we will admit.

(Theodore Higgingsworth)

There was an Old Person of Tartary,
Who divided his jugular artery;
But he screeched to his wife,
And she said, 'Oh, my life!
Your death will be felt by all Tartary!'

There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.

What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

What did the doctor say to the other doctor? We’re both doctors!

"My Handprints"

My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.

How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!

Knock knock.
Come in.

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!

What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.

It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.