It’s so cold I tried to take out the garbage, but it refused to go.

What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.

I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"

What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.

(Unknown)

It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.

There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.

I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.

Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.

A cowboy walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful woman
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Darn thing's an hour fast."

What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.

A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."

Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.

“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"

Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson

It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel

The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!

It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.

It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.

How many chefs does it take to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?

Only one and even then it’s a pretty tight squeeze!

It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!

There once was a [person] from [place]
Whose [body part] was [special case].
When [event] would occur,
It would cause [him or her]
To violate [law of time/space]

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?

Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!

My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.

A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

I found some internet history from my wife on my computer where she'd typed "how to leave husband". It got me really worried.
How did she find out the password to my computer?

It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.

Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.

I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

"My Cat Is Fat"

I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.

Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.

So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.

– James McDonald

It’s so cold that when I dialed the emergency number, there was a recording that said to call back in spring.

"The Legs Are Last To Go"

Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know

“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”

She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show

The legs are last to go

The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go

Her legs were last to go.


– Mike Gentile

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.