A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.

Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.

Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.

Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?

Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.

How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.

"Granny"

Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)

All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)

It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!

– Spike Milligan

Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow

Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.

Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.

(Ray Gridley)

Why are Me and China alike?
We both like to delete our history.

What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"

What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.

Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.

"Bee and Bee"

The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower

As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.

– Patrick Winstanley

Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.

It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.

Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.

Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,

“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”

What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”

“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”

I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.

When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?

At Pranksgiving.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
I don’t know — I asked you!

One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...
"That's just spam."

Doctor: "You look exhausted."
Blond: "I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it."

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.