I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.

Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!

A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”

We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”

“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”

What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

Who pulled off the greatest hat trick in history?
Joseph Smith.

If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.

There was an Old Lady whose folly,
Induced her to sit on a holly;
Whereon by a thorn,
Her dress being torn,
She quickly became melancholy.

It’s so hot that I renamed my pig “Bacon.”

There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.

Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.

There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.

What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?

There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.

Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.

Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh

(Anonymous)

Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.

It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed

Philosophy: A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.

It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.

It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.

Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."

Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

It’s so hot firecrackers light themselves.

What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone

You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.

"Whenever I See"

Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.

There once was a young boy named Nick,
Who by chance was always being kicked.
He tried not to fight,
For he was smart, kind and bright,
So he learned how to run really quick.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.

There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.

I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.

When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic

A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."