When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.

My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.

What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?

Ask a friend to toss one at you.

"The Legs Are Last To Go"

Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know

“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”

She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show

The legs are last to go

The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go

Her legs were last to go.


– Mike Gentile

Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.

Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.

What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.

Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.

What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."

Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

Today I saw a pesky fly
He buzzed around all day …
Until he landed on my lunch
So I zapped him with fly spray!


Now you’re really in the sky
Rest in peace little fly

(Jan Allison)

Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!

"Diaper Alert"

My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.

Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!

No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.

A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.

What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!

– Running Wolves

Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.

My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.

Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.

What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.

I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.

Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.

If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.

What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.

SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.

Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.

What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.

These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.

It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.

- Janice Canerdy

Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.

Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.

It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.

According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.