What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.

Remember the city,
Remember the town,
Remember the s/he who ruined your birthday card.
By writing inside upside down!

There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'

"Put Up With Me"

I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!

– Holly Giffers

Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.

Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.

What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.

(Martin Dejnicki)

If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.

It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.

I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.

Cold turkey was the only way to do it.

There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.

My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.

It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.

A third-grade teacher is getting to know her pupils on the first day of school.
She turns to one little girl and says, ‘And what does your daddy do?’
The girl replies, ‘Whatever Mummy tells him to.’

It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.

I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.

It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed

I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.

"Bee"

A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.

¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!

– Denise Rodgers

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.

Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.

Roses are red, Roses are blue
Depending on their velocity relative to you

What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.

It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.

A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”

There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.

Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away

(Anonymous)

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.

What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.

A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.

My husband said to me, "For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before."
So I said, "Try the kitchen!"

What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"

How did the sheep cross the road?
It ram across.