It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
My dear, I love you so much it hurts,
I ache to be close to you.
My heart beats wildly out my chest,
Without you I’m so sad and blue.
I’m dizzy with love, I fear being apart,
And despite the pain, I’ve got to say,
Please tell me that you know CPR, my dear,
Because you’ve taken my breath away.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
It’s so cold that bed bugs promised not to bite you as long as they can snuggle in your pajamas.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.
The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business becoz.
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn't the Wizard he woz.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Do you know what’s odd? Every other number.
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
It’s so cold pickpockets are sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.
The kids are rumbling and tumblin'
Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.
The football teams are taking a knee,
On Grandma's big screen t.v.
The leaves outside are turning yellow
'Cause winter's coming to say hello.
The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,
Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
"Halfway Down"
Halfway down the stairs
Is a stair
Where I sit.
There isn’t any
Other stair
Quite like
It.
I’m not at the bottom,
I’m not at the top;
So this is the stair
Where
I always
Stop.
Halfway up the stairs
Isn’t up
And it isn’t down.
It isn’t in the nursery,
It isn’t in town.
And all sorts of funny thoughts
Run round my head.
It isn’t really
Anywhere!
It’s somewhere else
Instead!
– A. A. Milne
I only date blind people. It's the only way to make sure they're not seeing other lovers.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
Why do we drive on a parkway and park in a driveway?
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.
Sincerely, your service provider.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
Go to BabaMail
