Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.

Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.

What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.

It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.

Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.

What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.

My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.

"Five Little Acorns"

Five little acorns, lying on the ground,
The first one said “oh my
I’m getting round.”
The second one said “I think I’m fat,”
the third one said “I have a nice hat,”

The fourth one said “There’s a squirrel over there.
The fifth one said “well I don’t care.”
Down came the squirrel and
swept them all away, up to his nest for a cold winter day.

– Debbie Hill

"The Silliest Teacher in School"

Our teacher gave detention
to the fountains in the hall.
She handed extra homework
to the artwork on the wall.

We saw her point a finger
at a banner and a sign.
She said their bad behavior
was completely out of line.

The principal approached her
and said, “What is all this fuss?
I heard you tried to punish
all the tires on a bus.

“You’ve made the teachers angry
by disrupting all their classes,
so if you want to keep this job,
you have to wear your glasses!”

– Darren Sardelli

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.

What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.

There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.

If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They would all be a lot more comfortable.

What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..

Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.

I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.

What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.

(Julie Hebert)

Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.

My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.

I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?

Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you

(Anonymous)

It’s so hot that the oven got jealous.

A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm

(Jan Allison)

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted

Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.

Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.

What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.

(Martin Dejnicki)

My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.

Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)

Why did the clock cross the road?
It couldn’t wait.

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.
Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.

Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.

Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!

Roses are red,
I’m going to bed.

"Nobel Prize for Mothers"

Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.

Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!

And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!

You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!

The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.

The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.

Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move

I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!

Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.

There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.

It’s so hot I saw two hydrants fight over a dog.