I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Happy birthday twinkle toes
Your actual age no one knows
Your inner child is firmly out
Loving life not going without
And now another whole year older
Your bucket list is getting smaller
But everything that you have ticked
Is the same on my child’s wish list.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
"Yesterday my wife ran off with my best friend."
"With who?"
"Mike."
"Since when is Mike your best friend?"
"Since yesterday."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday
The virus is quarantined for two weeks
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
Why did the sheep cross the road?
To get to the baa-baa shop for a haircut.
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
I hate being ugly everyday.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Who is your Daddy,
And what does he do?
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
I’m trying a new ‘see food’ diet
I’d recommend that you all try it
Any food will do
Nothing’s bad for you ...
It's no wonder my trousers don’t fit!
(Jan Allison)
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
(Lewis Carroll)
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.
What’s the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist?
One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
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