My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.

There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.

There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.

What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.

Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)

What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.

My attitude isn't bad.
It's in beta phase.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana

Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.

How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.

I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat

(Colleen Laforme)

A Cowboy was told that if he sprinkled gunpowder on his breakfast, he'd live to a ripe old age
So he did this religiously, every morning.

He lived to the ripe old age of 96.

He left behind 8 Children, 24 Grandchildren and 60 Great Grandchildren, as well as a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

There was an Old Person of Ems,
Who casually fell in the Thames;
And when he was found
They said he was drowned,
That unlucky Old Person of Ems.

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.

What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?

Groovy.

How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.

I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!

(William Cole)

A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.

One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

The was a Young Lady of Bute,
Who played on a silver-gilt flute;
She played several jigs,
To her uncle's white pigs,
That amusing Young Lady of Bute.

"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

What’s the difference between “hell” and “heck”?
Eternal Darnation

I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

At every party there are two kinds of people: Those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.

Which cat discovered America? Christofurry Columbus.

It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.

How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male

It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."

Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."

A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."

It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!