Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.

Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.

I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.

It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."

- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!

A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.

All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!

Why did the duck cross the road?
Because it thought it was a chicken.

Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.

What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.

“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”

“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!

(Robert Graves)

They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.

And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.

All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.

To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.

So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!

(By Pamela J. Langdon)

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.

In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.

What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’

There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.

It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.

Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise

They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent

These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort

They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more

I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis

How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.

"A Knotty Problem"

A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?

– Patrick Winstanley

Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.

What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.

There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy

It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.

Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.

Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.

How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.

Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.

“Father”

My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.

– Edgar Albert Guest

I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?

Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie

There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.

What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?

Have it killed and then cran-bury it.

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.

Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."

How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.

When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.