Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.

Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)

It’s so cold kids are using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet!”

There was an Old Man of Apulia,
Whose conduct was very peculiar
He fed twenty sons,
Upon nothing but buns,
That whimsical Man of Apulia.

You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?

Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.

Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.

Why’d did the cowboy have a wiener dog?
Someone told him to get a long little doggie

Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.

What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.

There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.

How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.

One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."

I think, therefore I’m single.

I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.

There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.

My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.

There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!

A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

A fellow jumped off a high wall,
And had a most terrible fall.
He went back to bed,
With a bump on his head,
That's why you don't jump off a wall.

An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.

It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.

It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.

What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."

This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.

There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.

If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?

"Month of May"

For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.

For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.

Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.

There was an Old Man of the North,
Who fell into a basin of broth;
But a laudable cook,
Fished him out with a hook,
Which saved that Old Man of the North.

Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.

A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.

Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?

As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.

It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.

Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes? Toes Go In First.

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

I dropped a ball in
your lap
It's time to play
I just put a ball
in your lap
So it's time to play
See that ball
I placed in your lap?
That means it's
time to play
You can have your
emergency appendectomy
Any other day
But I dropped a ball
in your lap
And now it's time to play

What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?

I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....
He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again.