A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"

Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light

My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.

How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!

It’s so cold we were afraid to spit because it can ricochet.

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.

Did you hear about the blonde who gave her cat a bath? She still hasn't gotten all the hair off her tongue.

What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.

What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.

It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

Damn.

Let me kiss you.

(Unknown)

It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.

What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.

Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’

Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.

Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket

If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.

If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.

What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.

I told my boyfriend we could watch a dirty movie for his birthday and do what we saw in the video.
He was super excited... until I screwed the pizza guy.

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.

It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.

Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.
By taking down the Christmas tree.

Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”

A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!

What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

"The Centipede"

I'm glad I'm not a real boy
With proper feet like you.
Imagine if I had to put
A foot in every shoe.
For when I'd got each foot inside
And every lace tied tight,
I'd have to take them off again
To go to bed at night.

– May Fenn

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"

Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.

She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.

One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.

So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.

I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.

What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.

I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.

There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)

It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!

What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.