What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."

If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.

Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.

What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”

Today, I donated my phone, watch, and $500 to a homeless man. Words cannot describe how happy I felt
When he put his gun back in his pocket

There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.

What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.

It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.

Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!

According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.

Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

There was an Old Man of Moldavia,
Who had the most curious behaviour;
For while he was able,
He slept on a table.
That funny Old Man of Moldavia.

A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.

(Dixon Lanier Merritt)

It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

"If I Were In Charge Of The World"

If I were in charge of the world
I'd cancel oatmeal,
Monday mornings,
Allergy shots, and also Sara Steinberg.

If I were in charge of the world
There'd be brighter nights lights,
Healthier hamsters, and
Basketball baskets forty eight inches lower.

If I were in charge of the world
You wouldn't have lonely.
You wouldn't have clean.
You wouldn't have bedtimes.
Or "Don't punch your sister."
You wouldn't even have sisters.

If I were in charge of the world
A chocolate sundae with whipped cream and nuts would be a vegetable
All 007 movies would be G,
And a person who sometimes forgot to brush,
And sometimes forgot to flush,
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

– Judith Viorst

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"

Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?
Really good acid.

Alone in his pen.
Sits solemn and scared,
For they 'did in' his hen.

They took her off Sunday,
Then snuffed out her life.
And now he's alone,
Cause they've eaten his wife.

Thanksgiving now over,
He preens with relief.
He can muster a gobble,
Along with his grief.

He pecks round his pen,
For some 'scratch' sprinkled there.
Grows quite happy again,
Not remotely aware . .

That Christmas is coming
For family and friend,
And for Christmas, at dinner;
They'll eat turkey again.

- Diane Lefebvre

A blond calls her mom...
Blond: "Mom mom!! I'm a genius!"
Mother: "Really dear? How's that possible?"
Blond: "I finished a puzzle that I've been working on for 1 year and on the box it said 'for 2-5 yrs'."

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.

My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.

There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.

"Dog and Pony Show"

Come see our dog and pony show.
there is no better place to go.
The dog wears ties, the pony, pants.
They both stand up to sing and dance.
The hoof and paw an old soft-shoe.
They harmonize the whole time through.
They raise their hats and take a bow.
Was this a show? I’ll say, and how!

– Denise Rodgers

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.

What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!

(Unknown)

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear sir,

Your internet access has been terminated due to illegal usage.

Sincerely, your service provider.

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!

It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.

It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.

What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

How do animals know when to cross the road?
The chameleon changes from red to green.

There was an Old Man of the West,
Who wore a pale plum-coloured vest;
When they said, 'Does it fit?'
He replied, 'Not a bit!'
That uneasy Old Man of the West.

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.

How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?

After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.



“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”

Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.

You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.

Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.

(Kevin Nishmas)