An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.

A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.

A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

There was an Old Man of Cape Horn,
Who wished he had never been born;
So he sat on a chair,
Till he died of despair,
That dolorous Man of Cape Horn.

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
how I wonder where you are.
Giant thermonuclear reaction,
held by gravitational attraction.
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
you look small since you're so far!

There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.

Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?

It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.

Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!

There was an Old Person of Rhodes,
Who strongly objected to toads;
He paid several cousins,
To catch them by the dozens,
That futile Old Person of Rhodes.

There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.

It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...

There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!

Son: "Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad: "Hmmm. Well, you are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.

There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'

If I won a million dollars, I'd give a quarter of it to charity.
Not sure what I'd do with the other $999,999.75

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.

Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back

Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.

I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.

Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”

It’s so cold mum used a saw to serve us milk.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

There was an Old Man of Vesuvius,
Who studied the works of Vitruvius;
When the flames burnt his book,
To drinking he took,
That morbid Old Man of Vesuvius.

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.

Happy birthday!

(Kevin Nishmas)

The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!

(Samatha C. Ringle)

When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.

Where's the best place to hide a body?
Page two of Google.

My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.

Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.

There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.