Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.

In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

I own a big fat cat-
The fattest for miles around.
Wherever there's lots of food,
That's where he'll be found.

He's really good at eating.
It's a talent, I suppose.
I'm sure if he keeps at it
He'd win the talent shows.

I own a big fat cat-
He weighs at least a ton.
He couldn't run to save his life.
Yes, he isn't much fun.

His favourite room's the kitchen.
(I'm sure we all know why.)
He eats just about everything,
So that's why, with a sigh...

I'd like to tell you, Teacher,
I'd like to tell you straight,
I might have "accidentally" dropped
My homework in his plate.

(By Christian M. Mitewu)

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

It’s so hot I got condensation on my backside from the water in the toilet bowl.

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

What did the turkey say to the computer? "Google, google, google!"

How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.

There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.

My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!

When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic

What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light

Correct punctuation: the difference between a sentence that’s well-written and a sentence that’s, well, written.

"My Cat Is Fat"

I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.

Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.

So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.

– James McDonald

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."

One problem with antibiotics is that no matter how popular it gets....It’s never going viral.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.

Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!

(Abby Jenkins)

When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.

People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.

Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.

Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".

Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.

My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.

Roses are red,
Violets are too,
I’m colorblind,
What about you?

A Duck is about to cross the road. A chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it, man - you'll never hear the end of it!"

Roses are red, and violets are blue,
Your spaghetti is overcooked, it sticks like glue.

You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?

Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move

I wish you something, just can’t remember,
Don’t be upset, you’re my family member.
It was clearly, on my mind,
With so many thoughts, it’s hard to find.

Visions appear of colorful balloons,
In the background I hear those fine tunes.
Near the end of the dream, I can taste a delicious cake,
It must be your birthday, as I awake.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.

You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.

What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.

Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.

It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.

Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'

Why blondes can't make Koolaid? Because they can't get 2 quarts of water in that small koolaid envelope.

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.

What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.

Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'