What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.

A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’

You know you’re getting old when…
You and your teeth don’t sleep together.

The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.

It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!

Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.

A wife send her husband an sms on a cold winter evening: "Windows frozen".
The husband send answer back: "Pour some warm water over them".
Some time later husband receives answer from his wife: "Nice going. The computer is completely screwed now."

"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."

If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?
Dead.

If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.

There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.

Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.

A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.

Preheat the oven of love
With plenty of secrets and hugs
Mix in giggles and laughs
That make your sides split in half
Bake with the love and care
And all the things you both should share
Decorate with the frosting of trust
This is really a must
Enjoy the cake do not eat it fast
Just like your new love make it last.

(Anonymous)

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.

Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.

It’s so cold walruses were visiting the hardware store in search of more insulation.

Why did the coyote cross the road?
It was chasing the road runner.

It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.

There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.

When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...

It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.

On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.

What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.

“Father”

My father knows the proper way
The nation should be run;
He tells us children every day
Just what should now be done.
He knows the way to fix the trusts,
He has a simple plan;
But if the furnace needs repairs,
We have to hire a man.

– Edgar Albert Guest

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.

A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”

We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”

“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”

Last year, twenty candles
that doesn’t sound a lot –
But that was not the whole cake
just on the slice I got.

A nun walked into a bar with her clothes on inside out. The bartender asked her about it and she replied, “Its a bad habit.”

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."

A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"

Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?

I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.

A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.

It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!

"Tom Tigercat"

Tom Tigercat is noted
for his manners and his wit.
He wouldn’t think of lion,
No, he doesn’t cheetah bit.

Tom never pretended
to be something that he’s not.
I guess that’s why we like him
and why he likes ocelot.

– J. Patrick Lewis

Who does a Karen yell at if her computer isn't working?
The task manager.

What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys

What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.

(Julie Hebert)

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.

When do you serve tofu turkey? Pranksgiving

What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!

Why was the blonde woman talking into an envelope? She was trying to send a voicemail!