What do you call a werewolf YouTuber?
A lycansubscribe

What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death

Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up

And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear

Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!

Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!

(By Rick W. Cotton)

Police chief: Do you have any leads or suspects for the murder case? Me: I'd like to interview the bartender wearing high heels and a leopard print dress.
Police chief: Please just wear your police uniform.

If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.

The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.

It’s your birthday, I know
But I couldn’t care less
Where is the cake, that’s the part I love best?
I understand it’s your birthday
But I am telling you now
If the cake doesn’t come soon
I’m throwing in the towel

There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.

The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.

What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.

"I Know You Like Me Best"

Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!

Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.

I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.

There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.

Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.

"If you had a dollar," quizzed the teacher, "and you asked your father for another dollar and fifty cents, how much money would you have?"
"One dollar." answered little Johnny.
"You don't know your basic math." said the teacher shaking her head, disappointed.
Little Johnny shook his head too, "You don't know my daddy."

There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.

Red sky at night - shepherd’s delight.
Blue sky at night - day.

Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?
No, there are a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise...’

Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.

A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.

Why did the goldfish cross the road?
Because the chicken was on holiday.

If I had a nickel for every time someone forgot my name, I would be the first billionaire known as “man” or “fella.”

Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.

What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?

They turn into blueberries.

When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.

Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.

It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.

What did the cowboy say when he bought a yo yo.
This ain't my first yo yo!

What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.

All doggies go to heaven - or so I've been told.
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there's not a single cat in sight!

What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

It’s so hot that the only waves at the beach were heatwaves.

I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.

Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.

- Jim Slaughter

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

It’s so cold I left Starbuck with mocha lattes and by the time I got to the car I had fudgicles.