I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?

What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.

It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.

It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.

There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong, admit it;
Whenever you’re right, shut up.

— Ogden Nash

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!

There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.

There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.

Girl: "Babe I'm pregnant you're the father."

Guy: "Can't fool me it's April's Fools Day!"

Girl: "Haha! got me! You're not the father."

“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.

You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away

(Anonymous)

I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.

There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.

My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.

An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".

Why did the Blonde go to the Apple Store? She wanted a Big Mac meal.

There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'

Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.

Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?

(Justin Worthy)

Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.

Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.

It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.

The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!

(Samatha C. Ringle)

It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!

I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

There's this subject called chemistry
how it works is a total mystery
it is an atom
says my madam
but all I see is my misery.

(By Faaizah)

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
what a c*nt I think you are.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.

Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."

Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."

They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.

When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.

They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.

(By Jessica Miles)

What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.