A hard thing about a business is minding your own.

"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.

How did the egg cross the road?
It scrambled across!

There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.

There was a Young Lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin;
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.

The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.

The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.

The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!

Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!

(Joanna Fuchs)

My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!

What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."

Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.

If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.

How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.

What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.

The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI.

It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.

Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.

Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"

Chuck Norris once trew a party.
It still hasn't landed.

There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.

"Grandpa’s Nose"

Grandpa’s nose is rather big
it’s shaped just like a horn
It doesn’t bother Grandpa,
he says that’s how he was born

I’m glad it’s not a ‘pick’ a lo
or a snooty flute
but when people hear him ‘toot’ his nose
they stand up and salute.

– Judy Valko

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.

A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.

"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"

"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.

"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'

"So here I am."

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.

Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

"Simple Truths About Family"

Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.

Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.

Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.

Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.

Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.

– Kelly Roper

Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.

Why did the cow cross the road?
To get to the udder side.

If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.

Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.

It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."

Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.

It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.

Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."

Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"

Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!