How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight! (Larry Huggins)
It was so hot that I poured boiling water on myself to cool down.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
How do you light a swimming pool on fire?
You don't.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Why did the gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
My love life is like a game of minesweeper.
I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
Teachers said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic.
Well I’ve had the last laugh because I've just made two jugs and a vase.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!
It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!
Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!
"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.
(Kim Merryman)
When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
How many "friend zoned" guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just compliment it and then get mad when it won't screw.
Which course gives Tiger Woods the most trouble? Intercourse!
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
"The Crocodile"
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
– Lewis Carroll
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
What's the difference between a pessimist and an optimist?
A pessimist says "things can't get any worse"
And optimist says "sure they can!"
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
After 5 hours sitting in the bar, a man was in no shape to drive, wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at 2 am?", said the officer.
"I'm going to a lecture.", the man said.
And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?", the cop asked.
"My wife." said the man.
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