Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."

What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.

“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.

That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

I think, therefore I’m single.

What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing, ants communicate by pheromones, not speech.

Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.

Why do men have 2 heads and women 4 lips? Cause men do all the thinking and women do all the talking.

I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.

So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would have one dollar... thanks, mom...

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.

(Unknown)

What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? Data transfer.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.

Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and with a screaming voice said, “I have a complaint!”
“How can i help you?” said the librarian looking up at her.
“I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!”
Puzzled by her complain the librarian asked “What was wrong with it?”
“It had way too many characters and there was no plot!” said the blonde.
The librarian nodded and said, “Ahhh. So YOU must be the person who took our phone book."

Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.

It was so cold that I saw a Greyhound bus and the dog was riding on the inside.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.

Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond

“Yes”

“Oui”

“Si”

“Ja”

"The Crocodile"

How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!

– Lewis Carroll

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.

- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move

What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?

There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.

What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.

Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.

Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.

There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I'm wearing my mask
why aren't you?

What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.

It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.

My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.