Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t believe,
You’re a monkey too
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
One day I found two pumpkin seeds.
I planted one and pulled the weeds.
It sprouted roots and a big, long vine.
A pumpkin grew; I called it mine.
The pumpkin was quite round and fat.
(I really am quite proud of that.)
But there is something I’ll admit
That has me worried just a bit.
I ate the other seed, you see.
Now will it grow inside of me?
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
What happened the first time one of the settlers tried to write favor instead of favour?
He was attacked by a Pil-grammar nazi.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
"My Sweet Aunt Mabel"
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable.
– Michael Wise
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
A Poem by a Cat
I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
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