Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.

It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.

There was an old man in a tree,
Whose whiskers were lovely to see;
But the birds of the air,
Pluck'd them perfectly bare,
To make themselves nests on that tree.

What do turkeys and women have in common?

A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.

"Diaper Alert"

My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.

Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!

No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.

A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.

What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!

– Running Wolves

"Crabby"

I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.

If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.

– Barbara Vance

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.

Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!

Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.

How did the Pilgrims die?

It was the Pil-grim Reaper.

Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.

What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?

A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.

What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.

It's so hot out that I cleaned my fridge just so I could hang out in my fridge for a while.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.

There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.

Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.

Make love, not war.
Or if you want to do both – get married!

Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,

“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”

When do you serve vegan vitarian matcha-tea-flavored turkey-shaped tofu-loaf?

At Pranksgiving.

If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.

It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!

There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who sat on a horse when he reared;
But they said, "Never mind!
You will fall off behind,
You propitious Old Man with a beard!"

If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.

A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.

We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.

"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.

As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.

(William Robinson)

A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.

What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.

What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

What part of the body do you only see during Christmas? mistletoe.

Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’

- Julie Anna Douglas

What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.

There was a very cautious man
Who never laughed or played
He never risked, he never tried,
He never sang or prayed.
And when he one day passed away,
His insurance was denied,
For since he never really lived,
They claimed he never really died.