She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!

- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!

Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.

It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.

How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.

Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.

Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.

There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.

If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.

Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.

What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER

After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.



“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”

What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.

A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.

It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.

When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.

But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.

(Kevin Nishmas)

Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.

What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

According to physics, light travels faster than sound. If that is really the case, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.

An Irishman, a Chinaman and an American all walk into a bar. This is an excellent example of integrated community.

In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat

(Colleen Laforme)

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"

It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!

What kind of tan did pilgrims get at the beach? Puritan.

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.

It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn…
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.

The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.

An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!

A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”

We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”

“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”

There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.

I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."

What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.

A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."