I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.
This special birthday wish may be late,
And it may not make you very wise,
But it's still good enough to send,
Because it won't strain your tired eyes.
It may not be the best birthday wish,
And it may not even be on time,
But I think it's better than nothing,
For no other reason than it rhymes.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
It was either chasing an egg or being chased by an egg, I’m not sure which came first.
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the Fear of long words.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
I bet you I could stop gambling.
There was a Young Lady whose nose,
Was so long that it reached to her toes;
So she hired an Old Lady,
Whose conduct was steady,
To carry that wonderful nose.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
The difference between a GEEK and a NERD.
Geek: "May the force be with you!"
Nerd: "May the force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration."
"
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
I had a colonoscopy recently and believe it or not getting the camera up there doesn't hurt as much as you might think.
It's the crew that's the killer.
It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.
It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!
It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
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