When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.

"Granddad's Got Hair"

Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.

Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."

– Graham Craven

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.

Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.

Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"

"The Fly"

God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.

– Ogden Nash

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!

Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.

It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.

If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.

It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.

Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.

You know you’re getting old when…
You begin every other sentence with, “Nowadays…”

How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.

Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.

I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!

What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?

Fast food.

What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!

Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey.

Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.

A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.

My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.

I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.

Tinkle, Tinkle little car
How I wonder what you are.
Leaking oil every day
Having it your own way.
Going up hills real slow
I don’t want you any mo’.
Tinkle, Tinkle little car
Boy, what a lemon you are.
(Cecilia L. Goodbody)

Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.
Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."

What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.

A couple decades ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.

Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.

What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.

Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.

Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.

How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.

A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.

Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.

"Simple Truths About Family"

Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.

Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.

Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.

Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.

Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.

– Kelly Roper

You know you’re getting old when…
Things you buy now won’t wear out.

What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.

(Julie Hebert)

Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners.

It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.

Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.