Canary-birds feed on sugar and seed,
Parrots have crackers to crunch;
And, as for the poodles, they tell me the noodles
Have chickens and cream for their lunch.
But there’s never a question
About MY digestion—
Anything does for me!

Cats, you’re aware, can repose in a chair,
Chickens can roost upon rails;
Puppies are able to sleep in a stable,
And oysters can slumber in pails.
But no one supposes
A poor Camel dozes—
Any place does for me!

...

People would laugh if you rode a giraffe,
Or mounted the back of an ox;
It’s nobody’s habit to ride on a rabbit,
Or try to bestraddle a fox.
But as for a Camel, he’s
Ridden by families—
Any load does for me!

(Charles E. Carryl)

Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.

“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert

Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.

Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.

A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm

(Jan Allison)

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?

The family dog’s nose.

Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.

There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.

Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see!"

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.

It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.

There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.

Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.

It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!

The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.

But they did get a tan. A puritan.

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.

The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.

You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."

Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."

And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."

(Martin Gardner)

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

When a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing, either the car is new or the wife is.

What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.

What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.

What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.

It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead

But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band

So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear

When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour

As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy

So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy

- Paul Curtis

Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.

A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.

“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”

“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.

“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”

A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?

- Jim Slaughter

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light

Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.

Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.

My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.

Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read

If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you

(Horst Winkler)