It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.

It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.

What's with this Daylight Savings Time?
It steals our sleeping, snoozing time
Roll out of bed and take a breath
And feel like microwaved-reheated death

Seven o'clock? That just can't be
It's way too dark out there to see
Coffee? Yes, I need two cups
To get my sluggish body up

And hit the road before the sun
For Monday's way-too-early "fun"
It's lunchtime? HUH? I just GOT here!
My head is just now barely clear

Afternoon meeting? How can that be?
I thought it was one...HOW IS IT THREE???
The end of day has almost come
The day flew by...it's almost done!

Five o'clock, well that's just fine!
I LIKE this daylight Savings Time!

(By Rick W. Cotton)

My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.

Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.

Over the long journey and having overcome many hardships together, the Pilgrims’ bonds strengthened and they all became pretty good Palgrims.
(we'll show ourselves out)

Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!

"Unsatisfied Yearning"

Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,

In order to get out.

Once in the glittering starlight.

He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.

In order to get in.

– R.K. Munkittrick

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.

Roses are red
violets are blue.
I hate poems
even more than I hate you.

I'm planning on making an application that randomly closes the video game you are playing and opens a different one.
It's going to be a game changer.

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.

The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.

I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”

I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.

If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?

One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.

There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.

Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.

When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"

- Gail DeBole

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.

My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.

They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.

And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.

All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.

To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.

So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!

(By Pamela J. Langdon)

Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."

Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.

A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No

There was a young fellow named Clyde,
who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother,
and fell in another,
and now they're interred side by side.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.

There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.

All doggies go to heaven (or so I’ve been told).
They run and play along the streets of Gold.
Why is heaven such a doggie-delight?
Why, because there’s not a single cat in sight!

(Larry Huggins)

How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?
I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday.

Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.

So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"

I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.

Why couldn't the baby Jesus be born in New York?
Because they couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

My girlfriend and I agreed to try some roleplay in the sack, but right at the end she screamed out the wrong name!
That's the last time I'm ever letting her wear her Starbucks uniform in bed.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

It’s so cold you could rob me with a bucket of water right now!!

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!

Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.

Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”