Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.

The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.

My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."

A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.

Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Why is bra singular and panties plural?

An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"

There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.

A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.

He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."

A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."

Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.

Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key

My Grandad always said, “As one door closes, another one opens.”
Lovely man, terrible cabinet maker.

Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”

My love, you are getting up there
Your age is climbing high
I am confident that I should stop talking
Or I may surely die!
Age is just a number,
Or so that’s what they say
And even though you are getting older,
I love you anyway.

What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.

How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.

I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.

I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"

How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!

The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.

Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?

Fast food.

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese

Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better

Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.

(Camryn Noell)

There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?

- by Jeff Kyser