What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
My boyfriend broke up with me because he says I'm too 'controlling'.
Funny thing is, I don't remember giving him permission to speak.
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
I eat my peas with honey.
I've done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny.
But it keeps them on the knife!
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
I don't understand why people get attacked by sharks.
Can't they hear the music?
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
My girlfriend told me she will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend.
Why did the blonde take a camera to bed? To record what she was going to dream that night.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
Which bug always crosses the road?
A beetle.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
The prowling youth
With fangs and cape
From trick or treat
There's no escape
Unless you make
Your own trick treats
And hand out bags
Of Ex-lax sweets.
- Patrick Winstanley
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday.
Then he said "Don't spend it all in one place."
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
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