Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What do the laws of physics and the president of Russia have in common?
You can't choose them.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
Don’t steal, don’t lie and don’t cheat.
The government hates competition.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
Police Officer: "How high are you?"
Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
In case of not being,
able to count up to seven,
you can use your fingers.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
Chuck Norris can pick oranges from an apple tree and make the best lemonade youve ever tasted.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
Why do blondes wear ponytails? To hide the valve stem!
How does a blonde kill a worm?
She buries it.
An blond loses his check book, so he goes to the bank 2 days later to report it.
Bank manager: I warned you to be careful with your check book, because anyone can forge your signature.
Man: "I'm not a fool. I already signed all the checks so there is no space to forge my signature!"
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They really are too damn proud to stop and ask for directions.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?
How do you get a clown off a swing?
Hit him with an axe.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
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