"Granny"

Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)

All through the night, the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)

It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!

– Spike Milligan

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.

Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.

Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.

Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.

How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.

I love you so much, you’re so perfect to me,
You’re gorgeous and smart, you make me happy.
Your talent amazes me, you’re so good at all things,
You’re better than anyone at plucking my heartstrings,
And now that you know and you’re in a great mood,
Please do me a favor and make me some food!

When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.

How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.

Busy Cat

I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming

A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.

People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"

What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.

How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.

Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.

How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.

How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Twinkle twinkle little bore.
Close your mouth, it's not a door.
You are just as cold as ice,
It is you that I despise.

Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.

You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.

A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.

There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.

It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.

When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.

My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."

A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."

This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.

A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking

I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"

"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"

"No it's because you're drinking my beer."

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.

"The Upside-Down World"

I know a place that holds the Sky
A place where little white clouds lie;
The edge is all green as Grass,
The middle is as smooth as Glass;

And there the round sun makes his Bed;
And there a tree stands on its Head;
Sometimes a Bird sits on that Tree;
Sometimes it sings a song to me;

And always in that shining place
I see a little smiling Face;
She nods and smiles; but all the same
The Girl down there won’t tell her name.

– Hamish Hendry

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!