What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...

Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.

How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

How many biologists does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to change it and three to write the environmental-impact statement.

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!

Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."

Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.

What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

If I got 50 cents for every failed math exam, I’d have $ 6.30 now.

Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.

It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.

How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.

Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."

There once was a man from kanass,
Who's nuts were made out of brass.
in stormy weather,
he'd clack them together,
and lightning shot out of his ass.

So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!

A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*

A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."

What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!

C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."

If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.

For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.

I know you got a thing for me,
But there’s a few things I first must say.
If you really are interested in me,
Then you must know these things today.

I’m not the perfect girl,
I will annoy and anger you,
I’ll nitpick and complain,
Until my face turns blue.

I may yell and shout a lot,
And I’ll carry on for a while.
I’ll tell you to shut up sometimes,
And to wipe away that smile.

I may whine and kick and scream,
If I don’t get my way.
And remind you that you’re useless,
And even ask you if you’re gay.

I’ll tell you not to hang out with friends,
And forbid you from staying out late.
You’ll never get to hold the remote,
And I’ll do all sorts of things you hate.

Don’t forget you’ll have to go shopping,
And wait for me for hours,
I’ll make you do the laundry,
And require you to buy me flowers.
But don’t you worry, don’t you fear,
You already know I’m a catch by now,
I just wanted to remind you, honey,
I’ll put up with you somehow.

(Unknown)

If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a tree falls in the forest and no-one is around to hear it..
then my illegal logging business is a success.

It’s so cold the flames of our fire froze.

My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.

A cowboy is walking down main street in nothing but his boots and hat...
Shortly after he got into town, a sheriff stops him.

"Sir, why in the hell are you walkin down the street naked as a jaybird?"

"I can explain! See I met this girl named Sally. Well, I took her back to my place and she took her shirt off... So I took off mine. Then she took her pants off... And I took off mine. She whipped off her britches... And I slipped outta mine.

"After that she laid down and hollered, 'Go to town cowboy!'

"So here I am."

Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?

Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.

Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)

Amazingly, antelope stew,
Is supposedly better for you.
Than a goulash of rat,
Or Hungarian cat,
But I guess that something you knew.

When’s your birthday?

July 23rd.

What year?

Every year.

You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty

You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit

You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger

Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.

After Stalin died, he met the angel of death. The angel explained to Stalin he can only send him to hell but he lets him to choose which hell.
"Do you prefer to burn in a capitalist hell or a communist hell?" It asks him.
I choose the communist one because there will surely be a shortage of coal.

Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

There was a Young Lady of Portugal,
Whose ideas were excessively nautical:
She climbed up a tree,
To examine the sea,
But declared she would never leave Portugal.

How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.

Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.

My father had a colonoscopy.
Turns out he had colon cancer so he had to have surgery to remove the tumor. Now he has a semi-colon.

There was a Young Lady of Norway,
Who casually sat on a doorway;
When the door squeezed her flat,
She exclaimed, 'What of that?'
This courageous Young Lady of Norway.

Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.

What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.