What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
If Arnold has $5 and you have $5, you both have $5.
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
What do you call a pilgrims vocabulary? Pilgrammar.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
There was an Old Man of Leghorn,
The smallest that ever was born;
But quickly snapped up he
Was once by a puppy,
Who devoured that Old Man of Leghorn.
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.
There once was a man from Nantucket,
Who kept all of his cash in a bucket,
But his daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man,
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
There was an Old Person of Hurst,
Who drank when he was not athirst;
When they said, 'You'll grw fatter,'
He answered, 'What matter?'
That globular Person of Hurst.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
Why did Sean Connery adopt a cat?
Because teaching his dog to sit proved too messy.
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
I visited my new friend in his flat.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out.
I hate having visitors.
If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
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