John Jokes

“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”

- John J. Plomp.
What’s Your Name, Sailor? A crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face in his unit and barked at him immediately. “Get over here! What’s your name, sailor?” “John,” the new seaman replied. “Look, I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don’t call anyone by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as ‘Master Chief.’ Do I make myself clear?” “Aye, Aye, Master Chief!” “Now that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last name?” The seaman sighed. “Darling, My name is John Darling, Master Chief.” “Okay, John, here’s what I want you to do...”
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
The phone rings, and a crow picks it only to find out it’s for her husband. She then says: "Hey John, you have a phone caw."
“I have a green thumb. Got it when I dumped out my kale smoothie.”
— John Wagner Maxine
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."

- John Steinbeck.
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically, dogs think humans are nuts.”

- John Steinbeck.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”

- John Lyon.
"I would like to find a stew that will give me heartburn immediately, instead of at three o'clock in the morning."
– John Barrymore
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
"Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?" ~ John Barrymore
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
Their 40th Anniversary John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks. "Not really," says Mary. "Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John. "No," she responds. "Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?" he asks, becoming slightly exasperated. "Nah..." she shrugs. "What about a new vacation home in the country?" he persists. She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks." "Well what WOULD you like?" John asks. "I want a divorce." answers Mary. Sorry," John sighed. "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
John commented, "You are so tall that you eat food out of a satellite dish". I replied, "Imagine how fast my internet is!"
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