John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out.
John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John was a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
"Not always," answers Jessica, "only when he's drunk!"
A crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face in his unit and barked at him immediately.
โGet over here! Whatโs your name, sailor?โ
โJohn,โ the new seaman replied.
โLook, I donโt know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap theyโre teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I donโt call anyone by his first name,โ the chief scowled. โIt breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever. And you are to refer to me as โMaster Chief.โ"
He gave him a threatening glare honed by years of experience. "Do I make myself clear?โ
โAye, Aye, Master Chief!โ
โNow that weโve got that straight, whatโs your last name?โ
The seaman sighed.
โDarling, my name is John Darling, Master Chief.โ
โOkay, John, hereโs what I want you to do...โ
John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.
"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.
"No," she responds.
"Would some beautiful new jewelry do the trick?" he asks, becoming slightly exasperated.
"Nah..." she shrugs.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he persists.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what WOULD you like?" John asks.
"I want a divorce." answers Mary.
"Sorry," sighed John, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
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