Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
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