Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
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