There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.