I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
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