Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally