Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
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