There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
"Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed EVERYTHING!"
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
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