Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
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