There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
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