A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
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