If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
A programmer's wife says: "Run to the store, and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
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