I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
A math professor gets back home at 3 AM.
“You’re late!” his wife shouts. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the professor replies calmly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
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