What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
I like dad jokes but I don’t have any kids. I guess that makes me a faux pa.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
In a capitalist society, man exploits man, and in a socialist one, it’s the other way around.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"
A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
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