What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.

What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

What has a neck but no head?
A bass.

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.