What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
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