How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.

How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.

What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.

Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.

Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.