Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.
Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
What do you say when a kazoo player sneezes?
Kazoontite.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Why do fluorescent lights hum?
Because they forgot the words.
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
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