What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.

My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.

Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.

What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

A while ago, my friend told me not to listen to loud music.
I haven’t heard from that guy since.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.

What is a cat’s favorite song?
“Three Blind Mice.”

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!

How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.

What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.

What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.

What do you get if you cross a sweet potato and a jazz musician?
A yam session.

A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”

Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.

What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.

What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.

A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.