How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!

What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"

What makes music on your head?
A headband.

I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

Who’s there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Wow! I didn’t know you could yodel!

What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
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What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.

Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.

Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.

What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.

What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.

Why do bagpipe players walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".

There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.

What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.

How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.

What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.

What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.

- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Britney Spears.
- Britney Spears who?
- Knock knock!
- Who's there?
- Oops! I did it again!

Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.

Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!

Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.

What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!

What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.

What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.

What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.

Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.

Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind — it’s too short.

What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.

What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.

What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.