I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine - I only get better with age.
The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom? Two - if you slice them very thinly.
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
How do you drive a man crazy? A. Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.
What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
Don't break a man's heart; they only have one. Break their bones. They have over 200 of them.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.