Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
Ice hockey is basically just guys wearing knife shoes fighting each other with long sticks for the last Oreo.
Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.
How many "friendzoned" guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just compliment it and get mad when it won't screw.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Why do men have a hole in their penis? So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
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