Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Why are Men like parking spaces? The good ones are already taken!
What's the difference between a man and a condom? Condoms have changed. They're no longer thick and insensitive!
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
What is all the fuss about when it comes to men and big boobs? They take alot of lip and they dont talk back.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What's the best way to force a male to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
How can you tell if your man is happy? Who cares?
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually SEARCH for a golf ball.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A tearjerker.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
If February is Black History Month and March is Women’s History Month, what happens the rest of the year?
Discrimination.
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