The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.
Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.
What do you call a man who never farts in public? A private tutor.
What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
How is a man like a gun?
Keep one around long enough, and you’ll definitely want to shoot him.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
Why shouldn’t you trust a guy who claims he “wears the pants”?
He probably lies about other stuff too.
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
Why shouldn’t you let a man’s mind wander?
Because it’s way too little to be out all alone.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
How do males exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.
How many men does it take to open a beer? none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.