There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.

I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.

Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.

I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.

World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.

Wanna go outside.
Oh NO! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they

I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled

- Paul Curtis

Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.

My cow gives less milk,
now that it has been eaten,
by a fierce dragon.

I think haikus suck.
Has to be five seven five.
Who came up with this?

I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.

Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’

- Julie Anna Douglas

I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.

Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.

I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.

How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.

Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.

A Haiku about getting out of bed:
No No No No No
No No No No No No No
No No No No No

Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.

Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.

Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.