Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
What do you call it when the preacher passes gas during his sermon?
A blast from the pastor.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A frog says, "Ribbit, Ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, Rub it".
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son's train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What do you say to your sister when she's crying?
Are you having a crisis?
What do you call a snowman with a six pack?
An abdominal snowman.
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had four doors they would be chicken sedans
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on them?
So when they come into port they can Scan-Da-Navy-In!
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
I found a pen that writes underwater.
It writes other words too.
Which side of a deer has the best meat?
The inside.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Last night, I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Have you seen the picture of Mount Rushmore before it was carved
It’s completely unprecedented.
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Who was the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table?
Sir Cumference.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight. One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face."
That was the punchline.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
A Dutchman has invented shoes that record how many miles you've walked.
Clever clogs.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours...
They called it a day.
One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
I want to know what idiot called it a last will and testament.
It should’ve been called a dead giveaway.