What do you call a woman who sounds like an ambulance?
Nina.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
But I'm on a roll now.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What's made of brass and sounds like Tom Jones?
Trombones.
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
It got mugged.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."