Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.
Too bad he doesn’t cry.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
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