When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at a Burger King. He got it.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
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