When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
Chuck Norris once went to mars. Thats why there are no signs of life.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
When Chuck Norris goes skydiving
the earth falls toward him.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.
Chuck Norris caught COVID.
But then he felt bad, so he let it go.
What does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out."
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
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