Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
Chuck Norris doesn't need to flush the toilet. He simply goes "Boo!" and anything in the bowl promptly rushes away.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
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