Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast at ate a glock every morning.
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
When Chuck Norris moved out, his dad became the man of the house.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
Chuck Norris can hear sign language.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
Chuck Norris can stand at the bottom of a bottomless pit.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
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