Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Chuck Norris used to beat up his shadow because it was following too close. It now stands 15 feet behind him.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once bowled a perfect game with a marble.
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.