Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?
By shaving with them.
The reason the Holy Grail has never been recovered is because nobody is brave enough to ask Chuck Norris to give up his favourite coffee mug.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Chuck Norris has died aged 79.
But Death is too scared to let him know.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
This morning Chuck Norris was shot.
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?
The Three-Hole Punch.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..
..then I realized he was aborted.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
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