What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
Parenting is like playing chess.
I don't know how to play chess.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
Why can’t Micheal J Fox draw a perfect circle?
Because he hasn't been trained as an artist.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
What do you call someone who kills a black person?
Murderer.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
How do you get rid of a cold?
Turn the heating on.
Knock knock.
Come in.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
You know what they say? Words.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
What has five fingers and looks human?
A severed hand.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
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