I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A llama.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath? He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
I went to the doctor yesterday and he reckons I'm paranoid.
I wonder who else he's told.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Who is this Rorschach dude and why does he paint so many paintings of my father beating me?
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
I had this crazy dream where I was virtually weightless
I was like 0mg
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Communism jokes only work if everyone gets them.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
A hydrogen molecule gets arrested.
His mother comes down to the police station to bail him out. She is met by the detective working the case.
I don’t understand it, says the mother. Hydrogen was always a good kid. I never had any problems til he met oxygen.
Don’t worry, says the detective. The situation is fluid but he won’t be charged.
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
What does the "B" stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot, the inventor of fractal geometry?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.