It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized."
There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.
The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
Did you hear about the math professor who was afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Two behaviorists make love. When they are done, one turns to the other and says: "That was good for you. Was it good for me?"
An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a bar.
The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Can you find the three errors in this sentenceeee?
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
A logician's wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad. The wife says, "Is it a boy or a girl?" The logician says, "Yes."
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