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madrid metro history Jokes

madrid metro history Jokes and more.

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Dinosaurs and the Magic Lamp

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp. They rub it, and a dino-genie appears. "I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces. The first dinosaur thinks hard. "Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat." Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder. "I know! I'll have a shower of meat!" Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him. The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs. "I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!" The rest is history.

Llama Puns

Jim Thinks He Can Get Any Job

Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven. After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the sales manager. "You say you have experience selling books?" "Lots of it," replies Jim. "And you have a Master's in American history from the University of Michigan?" "Correct," replies Jim. "History is my field of study." "Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in the firm." While the sales manager is making a few notations, Jim, obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle. Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the walls. Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine looking men. Your partners?"

Pizza Puns

Pedro the Quote Master

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro, the son of a Mexican telecom tycoon, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775." "Very good! Now, who said "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?" Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Pedro. The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans." "Who said that?" she demanded. Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836." At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinski, 1997!" Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001." The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh crap, we're in BIG trouble now!" Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

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A War With the Devil

Fed up with God's creations, Lucifer decides to lead an army to destroy humanity. The war had been raging for many years, and humanity was slowly losing. Lucifer could raise a never ending stream of demons, and until he was contained, the fighting would never end. In order to stop him, God gives the humans a ritual that would seal away Satan forever. The Pope was recruited to carry out this command the operation. However, before they could seal Lucifer away, they first had to find him. Suddenly struck with an idea, the Pope went to gather the world's most renowned authors and artists. When they were assembled, the Pope set them to work on creating the most elaborate work of fiction in history. Every corner of this work was written and illustrated, every blade of grass meticulously described out in words and brush strokes. After years of continuous work, the project was finally compete. Bound together into a million page book, the tome described a universe in more detail than real life could ever manage. The book was placed on an alter, and with the preparations compete, the ritual began. To everyone's amazement, as soon as Holy Light stuck the book, Lucifer himself appeared. Like a shadow in the light, his presence radiated evil. But it was too late for him, the light closed in onto the book, and Lucifer was bound within it, never to escape. There was silence for a minute, then everyone erupted into cheers. Amidst the celebration, someone asked the Pope how he knew where to find Satan. The room grew quiet as the generals and Cardinals awaited his answer. "Well", he began, "It was really quite simple." "Everyone knows the devil's in the details."

Some of the Funniest Lines in History...

“The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.“ Unknown “I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: ‘No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’ ". Eleanor Roosevelt “The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.” George Burns “Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.” Victor Borge “What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.” Mark Twain “I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” Groucho Marx “My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.” Jimmy Durante “The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.” Jilly Cooper “I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.” “I was always a good housekeeper. Whenever I divorced I always kept the house.” Zsa Zsa Gabor “Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.” Alex Levine “My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.” Ed Furgol “Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.” Spike Milligan “I am opposed to millionaires, but it would bedangerous to offer me the position.” Mark Twain “Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.” Herbert Henry Asquith “I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.” Bob Hope “A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.” W C Fields “It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth, or the fourteenth.” George Burns “We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.” Unknown “Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you.” Unknown Doctor to patient: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.” Unknown “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.” Unknown

France Puns

Little Johnny and the History Exam

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests." Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. "Well," said Mr. Johnson, "I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you." "So, everyone knows that he was the first president." said little Johnny with his little innocent eyes open large. "Just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?' Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you." "Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny. "Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?' Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."

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Greek vs. Italian

Two old men are arguing about history and the splendors of Athens and Rome. the Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!" The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!" The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!" The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!" The Greek man says "Yes, but we created beautiful architecture like the Parthenon!" The Italian says "And we improved your building techniques, and used them to create aqueducts and structures that stood for centuries longer!" The Greek man, frustrated, finally says "Ah, of course. But the Greeks, we INVENTED lovemaking!" The Italian man stops a moment to think, then says "That may be true, but WE introduced it to women!"

An Ounce of Brain

A man is lying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant. A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford." "Okay, what are they?" Says the man to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, first there's engineer brain, that's $100 an ounce. Then there's astrophysicist brain, that'll cost you $200 an ounce. Finally there's politician brain. That's the most expensive at $1000 an ounce." The man looks at the doctor, surprised. "That's absurd! Why is the politician brain so expensive?" The doctor turns to him and says "Sir, do you have any idea how MANY politicians it takes to get an ounce of brain?!?"

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Doctor's Friendly Advice

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor goes over his history and does his physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL sees no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house."

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