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etinact p Jokes

etinact p Jokes and more.
Swimming Puns
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
Dinosaur Puns
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
Family Vacation Quotes
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
Computer Jokes
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Math Pick Up Lines
Are you p>0.5, because I’d never reject you.
Food Quotes
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
Funny Health Quotes
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
Funny Limericks
I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

(By John P. Read )
One Liners for Kids
What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
Funny Poems For Kids
"Dust"

The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!

– P. A. Ropess
Pea Puns
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
Poop Puns
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
Divorce Puns
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Am I Losing My Mind?
A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine. Feeling despondent as he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries like he had promised himself. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded. There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again." Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away. When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said. A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost." "It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher. The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?" The man replied in the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?" "No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know cr*p about cars."
Funny Animal Quotes
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”

- Franklin P. Jones.
“Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.”

- Franklin P. Jones.
Stupidity and Foolishness Quotes
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
Keyboard Puns
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
Toilet Puns
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
Funny Parenting Quotes
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams
“You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they’re going.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
Toxic Pick Up Lines
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would P on U.
Theater Puns
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
The Special Cuckoo Clock
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution in order to escape a conflict. (Even when very drunk I figured 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in. I told him "MIDNIGHT". He didn't seem angry in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh cr*p.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and passed wind."
Spine Puns
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
Panda Puns
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
Chemistry Puns
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
The 10 Second Rule
Two friends go skydiving. This is the first solo jump for the both of them. The plane lifts off and the instructor gives them their last instructions: "When the light above the door turns green, you can jump." The first guy (who is a major stutterer) asks: "w-w-w-will the p-p-p-parach-ch-ute open o-o-on its o-o-o-own?" The instructor says: "No sir, you have to pull the chord yourself. Just jump out, count to ten and then pull the chord." The light turns green and the second guy jumps first. After ten seconds he opens his parachute and lands safely in an open field next to a river. After a few minutes he hears a loud splash and he looks over to the river. The first guy comes up and says: "N-n-ine."
Bacon Puns
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
Engineering Puns
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
Vaccine Puns
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
Funny Money Quotes
“You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.” —Franklin P. Adams