A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
Roses are red,
Violets are yellow,
I’m hoping this poem,
Will get me a fellow
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
"Grandparent Rap"
It's Grandparents' Day and we're here to say,
"We love our Grandparents in a major way."
So sit right down and take a seat,
And we'll put on a show that can't be beat!
Some Grandparents are skinny. Some eat a lot.
Some are funny. Some are not.
Some short, some tall, some big, some small.
It doesn't matter. We love them all.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
Once I visited France,
And learned a new, awesome dance.
I twirled,
And I swirled,
And then I lost my pants.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
"Put Up With Me"
I'm glad that you're my mother,
kind and caring and strong.
Coz surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
– Holly Giffers
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian? He had an arrow escape.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
This blonde was walking down a road carrying a bag, when a guy came along.
The guy asks, "What are you carrying?"
"Melons," the blonde replies.
"Cool," the guy says.
"If I can guess how many there are, can I have one of them?"
The blonde giggles and says, "If you can guess how many there are, you can have BOTH of them."
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.
The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
There was a young lady named Perkins,
Who just simply lived on gherkins.
In spite of advice,
She ate so much spice,
That she ruined her internal working's.
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
Why did the rabbit cross the road?
It had to get from hare to there.
What is the difference between a man and a tree? One is illegal to hit with an ax.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
"My Doggy Ate My Essay"
My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.
He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.
I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.
He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.
I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”
– Darren Sardelli
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What planet is she on!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You thought this was a love poem,
Now the joke is on you.
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
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