Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.

It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.

It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.

A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”

I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!

Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.

I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!

(William Cole)

It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.

I want you to know how deeply I feel,
And know that these wishes are so true and real.
May you have a bright and love-filled day,
And may all happy things come your way.
I wish for you many smiles and laughter,
And to come home to my arms so happy ever after.
May it rain gumdrops, chocolate and money,
And I hope that today is comedic and funny.
And as you receive all these wonderful things,
Remember it was me who wished you all these blessings.
And know that these wishes were truly meant,
But just so you know, my cut is 50 percent!
We are a couple after all!

"Standing on a Chair"

I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!

You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.

I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.

I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!

– Steve Hanson

The first rule of Tautology club is the first rule of Tautology club.

It’s so hot you can wash and dry your clothes at the same time.

Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.

Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.

Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.

(Shel Silverstein)

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.

Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?

There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!

What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.

As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”

Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,

“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

Some folks came to my door this morning and asked if I would consider being a Jehovah's Witness.
I had to be honest and told them I hadn't seen the accident.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.

My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”

In what country is Thanksgiving, ironically, not celebrated? Turkey.

If you call a large turkey a gobbler what do you call a small one? Goblet.

There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'

It’s so hot everyone is wearing sweat pants.

There four things we simply cannot choose in this life
1. Our parents
2. Our nationality
3. Our physical attributes
4. The Russian president

What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"

So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!

There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.

What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.

There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy

How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.

Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.

A man who plays golf to forget about work will soon go to work to forget about golf.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.

-Opportunist

A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."

Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?

I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.

There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.

I just asked my husband if he remembers what today is... Scaring men is easy.

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don't know their meaning.
It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

"Exclamation!"

I have a strange addiction,
It often sets off sparks!
I really cannot seem to stop,
Using exclamation marks!

They appear when I am writing!
Even in a shopping list!
If I don’t put one at the end
I feel something’s been missed!

It started as a positive!
It made people feel happy!
But now, I fear, it may bring tears!
It makes my teacher snappy!

Exclamation marks (!!!)
Can show how to command,
They show when things are exciting!
Or getting out of hand!

As you can see this problem,
Is one I now must end.
But, I can’t help but feel, maybe,
The question mark’s my friend?

(Anyone heard of the interrobang?!)

– Fiona Halliday

"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."