It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts.
"My Cat Is Fat"
I’ve a cat named Vesters,
And he eats all day.
He always lays around,
And never wants to play.
Not even with a squeaky toy,
Nor anything that moves.
When I have him exercise,
He always disapproves.
So we’ve put him on a diet,
But now he yells all day.
And even though he’s thinner,
He still won’t come and play.
– James McDonald
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
What's the cure for marriage?
Alcoholism.
You use computers.
IPods, mobiles, cameras.
Why not write letters?
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.
(Barry Stebbings)
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
My boyfriend asked me if I wanted a threesome which of his friends I'd choose.
I shouldn't have named two.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I have a gun,
Get in the van.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.
Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.
What’s the best Christmas present in the whole world?
A broken drum—you can’t beat it!
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
What do you get when you squish an army?
A flat major.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
Two blonds were driving down the road.
The blond driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blond looks out the window and says, "Yes. No. Yes. No."
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
Go to BabaMail
