I knew this gift would make you smile,
It's perfect for your many adventures,
Now you can take a bite out of life,
With a pair of brand-new dentures.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
If life is like a box of chocolates,
is it rude to ask for candy?
Can you really say with certainty
that you even understand me?
When life hands you lemons
I think you'd better run.
Cause life can throw a curve ball
and hit you just for fun.
I can do without the chocolates
You can keep your lemons too.
Life is what you make of it
not what it makes of you.
(Sarina McConnell)
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
Why did the queen cross the road?
To get to coronation street.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
Chuck Norris's Blood Type is AK-47.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves.
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
Had a colonoscopy the other day,
Worst dentist appointment I've ever had.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.
It’s so hot I saw a heatwave and I waved back.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
Easter and April Fools’ are on the same day this year.
For efficiency, send your kids to look for eggs that you haven’t hidden.
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
How does Robin Hood get from here to there?
In an “arrow plane.”
There was an Old Man of Melrose,
Who walked on the tips of his toes;
But they said, 'It ain't pleasant,
To see you at present,
You stupid Old Man of Melrose.
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
It’s so cold that the Statue of Liberty put her torch inside her dress!
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
It’s so cold a glacier was seen heading slowly down the main street of our town.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!
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