That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted

Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
A face like yours,
Belongs in a zoo.

An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.

It's so hot, I saw a guy with a sign that said, "Will work for shade."

What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training

There once was a girl named Zoe,
She went out in her yard which was quite snowy.
She ate her brother,
Asked her parents for another,
So they had another named Joey.
There was a young lady of Kent,
Whose nose was most awfully bent.

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.
He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust.

The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris can beat his reflection at rock paper scissors.

If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.

Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.

Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?

It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.

There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because like all men, they won't stop to ask directions.

The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.

My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.

What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.

How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!

A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"

There was a young fellow named Hall,
who died in the spring in the fall.
'Twould have been a bad thing,
had he died in the spring,
but he didn't — he died in the fall.

A blonde and a brunette were jumping off a building. Who jumped first? The brunette. The blonde had to ask for directions...

I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.

It’s so cold that I have to wave a blow-torch in front of my nose just to have a sneeze.

There was an Old Person of Cadiz,
Who was always polite to all ladies;
But in handing his daughter,
He fell into the water,
Which drowned that Old Person of Cadiz.

A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.

-Opportunist

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.

A funny young fellow named Perkins
Was terribly fond of small gherkins.
One day after tea
He ate ninety three
And pickled his internal workings.

It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.

Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I hate poetry,
But I am into you.

Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.

What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.

It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.

I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I'd keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first it wet the bed.

"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."

"The Attraction of Levitation"

“Oh, dear!” said little Johnny Frost,
“Sleds are such different things!
When down the hill you swiftly coast
You’d think that they had wings;

“But when uphill you slowly climb,
And have to drag your sled,
It feels so heavy that you’d think
‘Twas really made of lead.

“And all because an Englishman,
Sir Isaac Newton named,
Invented gravitation, and
Became unduly famed;

“While if he had reversed his law,
So folks uphill could coast,
It seems to me he would have had
A better claim to boast.

“Then coasting would all pleasure be;
To slide up would be slick!
And dragging sleds downhill would be
An awful easy trick!”

– H. G. Paine

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say one thing but you actually mean your mother.

It's so hot that you can fry an egg on the sidewalk!

There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.

"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"

When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.

No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.

We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.

She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.

– Kenn Nesbitt

What did the turkey say before he was roasted?

“OK, spare me no insults!"

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h