How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.

Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*

A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.

I got fired from my job as a taxi driver.
It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.

There was a Young Lady of Turkey,
Who wept when the weather was murky;
When the day turned out fine,
She ceased to repine,
That capricious Young Lady of Turkey.

What do you get when you cross a dog and an octopus?

A reprimand from the Scientific Morals and Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of your grant funding.

Before he forgot to bring a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.

If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.

Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.

Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.

A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.

Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.

Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,
he turns the dark off.

Please wine me and dine me,
Please show me a good time,
After all, I’m a lady,
And I even can rhyme!

Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss...
It blinked.

It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.

There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

A proctologist is about to write a something on his patient's notes but when he goes to take his pen out of his pocket he realizes it's actually his thermometer that's there.

He says, "Darn, some a**hole has my pen."

What do George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
They seem to all been born on holidays.

Roses are red,
Facebook is blue.
No mutual friends,
Who in the world are you?

Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.

I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.

But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.

So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!

(Catherine Pulsifer)

My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."

How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.

"Front Row"

My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.

– Denise Rodgers

What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.

What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.

Why are conspiracy theories are like moon landings?
Because they're all fake.

My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.

What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.

When Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad he turns into Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris gets mad, run.

The doctor told me he found something alarming in my colonoscopy.
Turns out it was a clock.

Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.

What do you get when you crossbreed a turkey with a harp?

A bird who can pluck itself.

What is the quickest way to get back on your feet when money isn’t really coming your way?
Miss a car payment.

I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.

What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of a pool? Air Pockets What has 12 feet and an IQ of 40? A Blonde-tourage.

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.