What do you call a man with an opinion? Wrong.
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Why don't some men have a mid-life crisis? They're stuck in adolescence.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Remember when nearly sixteen,
On your very first date as a teen.
At the movies? If yes,
Then I bet you can't guess,
What was shown on the cinema screen.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Hand of the buyer with a piece of cheese in the store
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
What do you call a musician with problems?
A trebled man.
What's worst than Elin Nordegren smashing your face in with a 9 iron? Lorena Bobbit stealing your putter!
There was on Old Man of the Isles,
Whose face was pervaded with smiles;
He sung high dum diddle,
And played on the fiddle,
That amiable Man of the Isles.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?
He played the force.
Why does a penis have a hole in the end? So men can be open minded.
Twinkle Twinkle little star,
take me to some dreams afar.
Help me, help me get some sleep.
Before I have to shoot a sheep!
My neighbours listen to terrific music... Whether they like it or not.
Lots of guilt to share.
What am I doing wrong now?
A Jewish mother.
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
There was a Young Lady of Troy,
Whom several large flies did annoy;
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
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