Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?

(Taylor Russell)

Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?

It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.

Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!

You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.

The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.

A blonde goes to a soda machine.
She puts in a dollar and gets a soda.
She does this again and again.
A man in line behind her asks why she is taking so long.
She says, "Can't you see I'm winning?"

I sat on the pin.
It did not give me a grin.
Buy some marmalade.

It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
But I wouldn’t know,
I don’t get them from you.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want to order pizza,
And watch Netflix with you.

I got in touch with my inner self today...That's the a last time I use 1-ply toilet paper

How many blonde jokes are there?
One. The rest are all true stories.

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day, but teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

Twinkle Twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car.
Throw you off a tree so high.
Hope you break your neck and die!
Twinkle Twinkle little star.
Go to heck, it isnt far.

For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.

They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.

When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.

They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.

(By Jessica Miles)

For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.

My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.

There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.

If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

In the spirit of Easter, I've hidden eggs around the appartment.
In the spirit of April Fools, I'm not telling my roommates.

Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

Girl sat on a swing.
Trying to sing a song for god.
Missing him, not me.

It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Brown is the color
Of elephant poo.

My love
I have gotten to know you so very well
I’ve even noticed when you start to smell
You share almost everything with me
When we gossip, you say “spill the tea”
You have become my best friend
That is no lie
We can giggle together
We laugh till we cry
Even when you can be a little gross
You are the man I love the most.

My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.

It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.

What did the turkey say before he was roasted?

“OK, spare me no insults!"