It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
We stood at the bars as the sun went down
Beneath the hills on a summer day;
Her eyes were tender and big and brown,
Her breath as sweet as the new-mown hay.
Far from the west the faint sunshine
Glanced sparkling off her golden hair;
Those calm, deep eyes were turned toward mine,
And a look of contentment rested there.
I see her bathed in the sunlight flood,
I see her standing peacefully now,
Peacefully standing and chewing her cud,
As I rubbed her ears—that Jersey cow.
(Anonymous)
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common?
No ballroom.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.
You know what they say? Words.
Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor’s office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Some might buy you candy
Some might buy you flowers
Some might think it dandy
To dance below rain showers
But I think that the best way
To show you that I care
Is just to share a Sunday
Clad in our underwear!
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
What does Dracula call Thanksgiving? Fangs-giving.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you.”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Helium walks into a bar.
He orders a drink and wonders why his parents decided to give him such an unusual name, as he can never find it on personalized souvenirs. Plus, baristas never, ever get it right.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
It’s so hot I wish had got the cloth seats instead of the leather ones.
There was Old Man in a pew,
Whose waistcoat was spotted with blue;
But he tore it in pieces
To give to his nieces,
That cheerful Old Man in a pew.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
If I had $10 for every virus on my computer, I could buy a new computer.
Thanksgiving Dinner's sad and thankless
Christmas Dinner's dark and blue
When you stop and try to see it
From the turkey's point of view.
Sunday Dinner isn't sunny
Easter Feasts are just bad luck
When you see it from the viewpoint
Of a chicken or a duck.
Oh how I once loved tuna salad
Pork and Lobsters-- lamb chops too
Till I stopped and looked at dinner
From the dinner's point of view.
(Shel Silverstein)
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
Why did Frosty the Snowman want a divorce? Because he thought his wife was a flake.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
If I had a nickel for every time I failed a math test, I'd have 83 cents.
Question: What is a turkey’s favorite dessert?
Answer: Peach gobbler!
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