If I had a dollar every time one of my professors complained about the collapsing American democratic society, I would have a small loan of a million dollars.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other.
What kind of cat always crosses the road?
A jaguar.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so too.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says:
"Doctor, what’s the problem with me?
When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts...
When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts...
When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!"
The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
The lobster and the crab one day
Proposed a friendly race.
Agreed upon the time were they,
Agreed upon the place.
The start and finish lines were where
The two thought they should be.
The crayfish with a clock was there
To act as referee.
And though the rule-book then was read,
Not all was clarified;
For as the lobster forward sped
The crab went to the side.
(Jeffrey Krise)
What do jazzy people put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
Groovy.
Why do native Americans hate the snow?
Because it is white and settles all over their land.
It's so cold that people started chipping their teeth on soup!
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad? Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it. Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in India, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries. Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
It’s so cold that even the polar bears started drinking hot chocolate.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
What's wrong with these people tonight?
They're screaming I gave them a fright.
"A black cat!" they shriek,
but only last week
they held me; I purred with delight.
These neighborhood kids are so weird.
On Halloween night I am feared.
The rest of the time,
my life is sublime.
To all of them, I've been endeared.
It soon will be November First,
and I'll be no longer accursed.
I'll hear, "Look at that,
a beautiful cat!"
Man! Halloween night is the worst.
- Janice Canerdy
Roses are red
violets are violet.
Here is my number
why don’t you dial it?
A mosquito cried out in great pain,
"A chemist has poisoned my brain!"
And the cause of his sorrow
Was para-dichloro-
Diphenyl-trichloroethane.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
A newspaper man named Fling,
Could make "copy" from any old thing.
But the copy he wrote,
Of a five dollar note,
Was so good he is now wears so much bling.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
What does marriage do? Puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
Why do the pants of pilgrims keep falling down? Because their belt buckles are on their hats!
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To knock-knock on the door, walk into the bar, and change the lightbulb.
Why is it always cold during Christmas? Because its Decemburrrrrrrr.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Your phone is smart,
So why aren’t you?
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
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