Why was the musician arrested?
She got in treble.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
What do you call a musical insect?
A humbug.
Why did the tortilla chip start dancing?
Because they put on the salsa.
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
What is a mummy’s favorite kind of music?
Rap.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”. We’re a cover band.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
What’s a pirate’s favorite instrument?
The guit-arrr!
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Twelve - one to do it, and eleven to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can do that!"
What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
A father was buying bass lessons for his son.
After the 1st week, the father asked him what he had learned. The son said, "On my 1st lesson, we learned about the E string."
The 2nd week came, and after the lesson, the father asked what had he learned that week. The son said, "On my 2nd lesson, I learned about the A string."
When the 3rd week came by, the father said to his son, "You know these are expensive lessons. What have you learned this week?"
The son said, "I quit the lessons. I already got a gig."
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
What kind of music did the pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock!
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
Why did Mozart get rid of his chickens?
They kept saying, “Bach, Bach, Bach!”
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
What’s the slang term for a harpsichord?
A Baroque man’s piano.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
Why couldn’t the string quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The
It’s here again
That day we all dread
When once more
We fear the rise of the dead
But fear not
Our salvation is at hand
We shall be saved
By an unlikely Band
So be assured
When the time is near
Ghosts and ghouls
Will all quake in fear
When night falls
All the undead will cower
Trembling in awe
Come the witching hour
As armed with sacks
Our great costumed army
Will roam the streets
To drive the evil spirits barmy
So to protect yourselves
Keep a proper payment handy
When the costumed army
Come knocking for some candy
- Paul Curtis
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
Wooden door; wide and creaky.
Sculking cat; snide and sneaky.
Skeletons; cold and clanky.
Madame Witch; old and cranky.
Ancient paintings; strange and spooky.
Watching eyes; crazed and looky.
Blackest bat; fast and flappy.
Venus Flytrap; mighty snappy.
Wailing ghosts; always moany.
Piano playing on its owny.
Time to go! Scream and shouty!
Read the sign – ‘No Way Out-y!’
- Julie Anna Douglas